A sister’s devotion ensures he lives his best life

Julie Wesley-Wong is Vice President of the Hammer & NER Board and chairs the Board’s Advocacy committee. Her brother, Mickey, joined the Hammer family in 1978 when he moved into the boys’ dorm on the Hammer campus. Recently, she sat down with Chief Development Officer, Ellen Timmerman-Borer, to reflect on her brother’s life, her mother’s legacy, and the responsibilities that come with caring for a sibling with a disability as they age.

(Mickey is pictured above with DSP Madia Dade, and his sister, Julie)

ELLEN: Please tell us about your brother, Mickey, and how he came to be part of the Hammer & NER family.

Mickey and Julie with their mother, Mary, in 1968

JULIE: Mickey is the youngest of 10 kids.  When he was born in 1967, the doctors told our parents he should be put into an institution, but my mom said, “No, I’m taking him home.” I know it was scary for my parents, but they were determined to do the best for him. Growing up, the rest of us kids were living our lives hanging out with our friends, and Mickey often got left behind. My parents wanted him to have peer relationships. They found Hammer Residences and when Mickey was 11, he moved into the boys’ dorm. The first day he moved in, all the guys he went to school with were also there. They came over and said, “Come on, Mickey!” and off they went to play.  It meant so much to us to know he had established friendships from day one at Hammer.

Mickey learned to ride a bike at Hammer and how to swim. He had opportunities to learn new skills and routines like putting laundry in the hamper and making food choices. He also joined the Boy Scouts through Hammer and participated in the Iron Man Weightlifting team and the bowling leagues.

ELLEN: You have a big family—10 kids! Describe their relationships with Mickey.

JULIE: Mickey and I are 18 months apart and I grew up with him. My other siblings are older and so their experiences are different from mine. Each of his siblings truly love Mickey and they all want the best for him. Mickey has five brothers and four sisters, and each sibling is very important to him. He loves it when we get together as a family. We are a big group when all the siblings, their spouses, children, and grandchildren gather for celebrations. When Mickey has had medical issues, our family comes together to take turns sitting with him in the hospital and advocating for him. I do the bulk of decision making and appointments, but I can’t be there 24/7. My siblings are always willing to help with Mickey and they have supported me in making important decisions for him. As we have grown older, our niece, Anna, has stepped forward as a co-guardian for Mickey. This has given me peace of mind to know that the next generation is there to help and guide Mickey.

Mickey celebrated his 57th birthday surrounded by his family

ELLEN: What has influenced your family’s decision to keep Mickey at Hammer all these years?

JULIE: Hammer & NER has provided our family with a great sense of security, knowing Mickey is well cared for. He has had opportunities for long relationships with his peers and staff. Barb Matter, recently retired, has had a relationship with Mickey for over 40 years. There were games and rituals he would only play with her. Barb has kept in touch with him even after she left her role as a Program Director. It’s those relationships and opportunities that have been so important to our family over the years. Mickey thrives on routines in his relationships. Our family is so grateful that Mickey is where he needs to be.

ELLEN: Are there other staff who have made a significant impact on Mickey’s life?

Mickey with Program Manager, Ann Wilmes

JULIE: Sedinu Nagbe (Mickey’s former Program Manager) and former Program Director Tyson Hollins have had great relationships with Mickey, and they were great advocates for him. Mickey has also had a long relationship with Rand Peterson (DSP at the Wentworth house) who’s been there over 15 years and Madia Dade who provides such compassionate care for Mickey and his housemates. He has a great new Program Manager, Ann Wilmes. She’s been wonderful for Mickey.  She truly cares for Mickey’s well-being and happiness, and she communicates her ideas for adaptations and accommodations that can be helpful for Mickey.

ELLEN: How has your relationship with Mickey evolved over the years?

JULIE: Our father died in 1991 when Mickey was 23 years old. When that happened, I talked with my mom and said that if something happened to her, I needed to know Mickey would be okay. My sister and I became co-guardians with our mother when I was 25. Our mother died almost 10 years ago, and I know she wanted to make sure Mickey has a great quality of life. As Mickey ages, there have been more medical issues, and his health has been declining. We need to adapt to these new needs. There’s a lot more caretaking and decisions that need to be made and that has impacted my relationship with him.

I really encourage families to bring in siblings as much as possible. Life can change on a dime, and families need to have a good plan in place. I’m so grateful my mom forged strong relationships at Hammer & NER so that when I stepped in, I had people I could partner with to care for Mickey. Her forethought helped the partnership to continue and thrive.

Mickey and his parents, 1989

ELLEN: Your mother was also a Board member and was around when we were downsizing and moving people to homes. She helped build our Wentworth home (Mickey’s home). Her legacy lives on in you and your family.

JULIE: She wanted a fully accessible home. It was carefully designed to make sure Mickey and his housemates could stay there for the rest of their lives. She was very proud of that. Mickey has lived at Wentworth since it was built in 2000.

ELLEN: Hammer & NER’s partnership with families and guardians is important. What do you want others to know?

JULIE: Hammer & NER recently brought forth the concept of “family extended.” This resonated with me because Hammer & NER really does provide that family experience for our loved ones. For us, family extended means not only supporting Mickey but supporting our family as well. I like to think this holds true for all the individuals and families that Hammer & NER supports.

ELLEN: You and your husband, Wymond, have been actively involved in supporting Hammer & NER over the years, as has your business, Twin City Heating, Air, & Electric. And you currently serve on the Board. What keeps you “present”?

JULIE: My husband has taken my love and enthusiasm for Hammer & NER and just ran with it. He wants his company to have an impact on the community. We’re proud that we’ve been able to contribute the best we can. We are excited for more opportunities to support Hammer & NER’s mission in the future.

I’ve been blessed to have the sweetest brother on the entire planet. His needs are so simple. Just like anyone else, he wants to be heard and to have a good life. As his sister, I try to make sure he’s happy. We’re so grateful for how he’s been cared for. It has truly made a huge impact on our entire family.